Some Diverse Secular Identities and Terms (click for larger image)

I was chatting in a group and someone interrupted to say hello. He’d recognized me as the officiant at a recent non-religious funeral. The conversation shifted abruptly. Someone in the group said they didn’t know that Atheists would even have funerals: “Why would they?”

I’ve had people tell me they didn’t understand marriage in the context of Atheism. Or secular baby welcoming / baby naming rituals that may take the place of baptisms. And yes, some think that one who doesn’t share their faith wouldn’t experience funerals, celebrations of life, or memorials in a meaningful way. Through a narrow lens, those moments may be steeped in the traditions of a specific faith.

Ritual is something ubiquitously human. It’s a significant experience across diverse perspectives. All feel love for others and grieve losses, support friends and family in their grief, and may find meaning in gathering together to say goodbye and honor someone lost. Yes, Atheists have funerals.

Beautiful moments of connection, like the private conversation that followed “Why would they?”, can build mini-bridges. But they’re also a broader reminder that barriers to diverse exposure (like limiting educational conversations about diversity) can create chasms between us and add to heavy, lonely burdens that people around us are carrying.

Mini bridges help, but larger bridges are needed.

A systemic bias in deathcare

The deathcare industry is, like many other service-focused industries, imbued with faith-bias. That means that people of secular and religious minority identities who are experiencing grief may also face, or fear facing, discrimination, identity washing, othering, silencing, harassment, faith bullying, being outed/coming out, and other challenges – at one of their most vulnerable moments.

It often comes as a surprise, even to those who face these Sisyphean challenges every day. Deathcare is a subject many people avoid in general. And further, very few consider in advance how LGBTQIA+ or secular or religious minority identity might impact them or their family when a death occurs. Far fewer make a plan, identify affirming providers and professionals in advance, and provide practical and legal tools that make things easier for loved ones.

There’s enough drama & trauma for families at such a difficult time. No one wants to be preyed on in a time of grief and no one should be forced to pray, pretend to pray, or defer to someone else’s g/God(s) at a time of grief and loss. Every person of every religious, secular, and spiritual identity – and LGBTQIA+ identity – deserves to be authentically honored in their deathcare.

Planning ahead is self-care.

You can plan for inclusive services by providing direction in your planning documents about, for example, using a certified Humanist Celebrant and how to locate one (links are below). This is important because the funeral home professional you’re working with may not be aware – or willing to acknowledge – that this resource exists. Remember that a Humanist Celebrant or Chaplain may be able to help you through the entire process, potentially even joining your meetings with the funeral home and cemetery if you invite them to.

If you’re intentional, open, and determined you can find inclusive providers who won’t try to “save” you on your deathbed or “bless” your body without consent. You can vet funeral providers (funeral homes, funeral directors, cemeteries, etc. – even hospices or hospitals) to ensure your perspective is welcomed and you and your family will be treated with respect when it matters most. You’re going to put your trust in someone – by planning ahead you have greater control over who that will be.

Vetting companies & professionals can be as simple as glancing over their website and social media shares, and/or disclosing your identity to them. Listen to the messages they promote or how they respond to you. How does what they say make you feel? Trust your gut. If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s not your shoe.

And know that there are advocates and allies willing to help. You are not alone. If you have questions about inclusive deathcare, whether for a current experience or for planning ahead, i’m a call or text away at 407-608-9242.

RESOURCES

Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives – a free download fill-in-the-blank style guide and mental health and other resources for those in the LGBTQIA+ and minority RSSI (Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identity) communities.
The Humanist Society – contact certified Humanist Celebrants, Chaplains, Lay Leaders, and Invocators.
National Consortium for Inclusion in Deathcare – This is a Big Bridge under construction – an emerging group of inclusion-focused deathcare professionals and researchers working to establish support for one another and resources for everyone. Contact 407-608-9242 to get connected.
More information & resources for Humanist and non-religious end-of-life ceremonies: https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/memorials-life-celebrations/

https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/memorials-life-celebrations/

What is an Obituary?

The word obituary comes from the Latin obitus, going in the direction of ruin or death; sunset.

Whether a simple announcement of a death or a lengthy tribute, an obituary is a public posting by a family that a death has occurred, a public record of the person’s life and legacy, and/or an announcement of the final arrangements and services for those who may wish to attend.

Most are published online these days so family and friends everywhere can access the tribute. Some are still also published in newspapers; however, these tend to be shorter and more factual. Online tributes can include multiple photos, a more in-depth colloquy of a life lived, and comments, thoughts, and photos posted by friends and families. Some obituary sites are perpetual, others only post the listing for a finite increment of time, such as 90 days, to save server space.

The obituary may be used in various ways:

as the public announcement of a death
as the eulogy at a service (though eulogies may be more detailed than obituary)
printed in programs that are given at the service
framed or otherwise memorialized as a keepsake for the family
posted on or linked in family genealogy sites
included in a family genealogy album

Should you write your own?

Yes, you should. In my work as a planning advisor in the funeral industry, i’ve seen how difficult it is for families to write the obituary for a loved one they have just lost. Arduous and heart-wrenching, the composition of the obituary can even cause discord among loved ones – what goes in, what doesn’t, how things are worded, which photo to use, etc. When you’re pre-planning to protect your family, every burden you can take off their shoulders is a gift.

As a celebrant, i may write eulogies and obituaries or help families with that process. As a funeral & cemetery planning advisor, i encourage my clients to write out bullet points or a draft of their obituary and keep it updated. And if you don’t want an obit at all (and some don’t), make sure your family knows that.

I recently worked with someone terminally ill who wanted to write their own obituary so that their spouse wouldn’t have to do it. We went through multiple drafts, and it was very difficult, but it was so important to them to protect their spouse from having to go through that – and to make sure that certain parts of their life were highlighted. As we go through life, what is important to us changes; those around us at the time we pass may not recall or think to include aspects of our life that were extremely meaningful to us.

Obituary elements

An obituary can be difficult to think about – how do you capture an entire life in a few paragraphs? The obituary becomes the final public record of our lives.

An obituary is not required, and some who have few family members or who lived very private lives may not have one at all.

Most obituaries at a minimum contain the person’s name, age, date, and place of passing, city and state of residence (and home town, if different), and name of spouse/partner and children. They may list more relatives and are usually separated into “survived by” and “pre-deceased by” lists. They include memorial information such as the name of the funeral home and the date, time, and place for the viewing and service(s).

The formula is generally: decedent information (name, dates, and places of birth and death), family, personal information/life story, and information about the service.

Talk to others – no matter how well you knew your loved one, you will learn amazing new things about them by asking their friends and family members for their favorite stories and memories. Even if you are pre-writing your own – consider reaching out. What you learn about you may surprise you! Scroll down for more ways to personalize an obituary or eulogy.

Example: Sam Smith passed away on April 10th, 2022, after a long battle with cancer, surrounded by loved ones at home. Sam was active in volunteering for the Breast Cancer Society throughout their illness, leading fundraising initiatives and teams for awareness walks. Before cancer became a focus, Sam had been an avid volunteer with the local animal shelter. They are survived by two Great Danes (Bobby and Doggo) and a large “framily” (friend family). Sam was pre-deceased by spouse Jordan, parents Drew and Jesse Smith, and multiple rescue animals nurtured and loved through hospice care. A celebration of life sunrise service will be held Friday, July 3, at 6:30 a.m. at Riverside Park, followed by breakfast and a memorial tree planting. Donations to the Breast Cancer Society or to Pat’s Animal Rescue in Sam’s honor are appreciated.

Request an Obituary or other celebrant service

Making it Personal

Here are some things to reflect on as you write an obituary or eulogy:

What was their preferred name and pronouns? Are there any nicknames, monikers, “go-by’s” that they would want to be included?
The dates that bracket “the dash” – the birth date and death date. City & state (and/or country) of birth and death.
Where did they consider “home” to be? Where else did they live that was a significant part of their life?
Include the cause of death? For example, “after a 10-year battle with cancer…” can tie into requests at the end for donations to cancer research.
Origins – culture and heritage
Parents’ names and places of birth.
Living family members (siblings, children, grandchildren, grandparents, friends, pets, etc.)
Deceased family members (siblings, children, grandchildren, grandparents, friends, pets, etc.)
Marriage(s) – date(s) of marriage(s) and spouse name(s).
Love story – how they met, where they married, significant moments in their marriage
Military service – branch, years, rank, wars served in, memberships such as VFW, and other important information.
Education – high school, college or tech school, field of study
Awards, honors, and recognitions
Character & quirks
What did they enjoy? Hobbies, passions, sports, activities, etc.
Profession / Occupation – job title, career, stories, accomplishments, other jobs held in life. Why did they go into this occupation or why was it important to them?
The “other job” – How did they invest their personal time? Whether volunteer work, helping neighbors, or a hobby that was like a piece of their soul -what were their vocations in addition to their paid profession?
Community involvement and memberships – Were they involved in any charitable organizations? congregational membership in religious, secular, or spiritual organizations? political, fraternal, or other affiliations?
What made your loved one unique? What did people always notice about them?
What would they feel is their greatest legacy? were they most proud of (accomplishments, the difference they made in the world)
Their quote: what is something they always said? or something they would want their loved ones to know? What is one thing they hope others learned from the story of their life?
Did they have a personal mission statement, dearly held values, or other ethical/internal guideposts?
Three words that sum up your loved one’s life.
Their favorite quote or short poem

Obituary FAQ

Q: What about Identity Theft? I’ve heard that you should never post an obituary because predators use them for stealing information.

A: It is true (and very sad) that the theft of deceased identities is quite common. However, much of the information you provide in the obituary is available by other means. You may want to be careful what you include, such as avoiding exact dates of birth and death, mother’s maiden name, etc. You should definitely have information security in mind as you write an obituary.

Your funeral director will have filed with Social Security and given you a list of things you need to do after your loss; getting those things done reduces the risk to your family, as does having an Estate Planning Attorney to guide you. There are also identity theft services that guard deceased identities.

Q: When should the Obituary be published?

A: This is usually done very quickly, as it often contains information about a service that may be coming up very soon. Some will post a death notice first so that the factual information is there (name, date of death, service information), giving themselves a few days to compose, or hire a writer to compose, the full obituary.

Q: I have to write an obituary for my son, who was gay and involved in political activism. These were both VERY important in his life, but some of our family do not approve and I don’t want to cause any fights.

A. oof. That’s a challenge i see often for families of LGBTQIA+ individuals and minority Religious, Secular, or Spiritual Identities (RSSI). We want to authentically honor the life of our loved one without tearing the family apart. Only you can make the decision. Someone who was actively involved & making their voice heard for a cause may want the message they amplified present in their life story.

Whether as simple as honoring preferred pronouns, as subtle as leaving out religious references, or as loud and explosive as celebrating their accomplishments as an activist, this can be a difficult decision to make. If they had written it, what would they have done?

There’s a free workbook called the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives intended to assist us in reflecting on how our own LGBTQ+ or RSSI identity will inform our near-death care and deathcare, but it may help you in reflecting on your loved one’s identity as well.

Q. Can i write an obituary for my pet?

A. Absolutely. Just as there are cemeteries dedicated to pets, there are websites dedicated to pet obituaries such as Heaven’s Pets and Pet Heaven. Sadly, most use “heaven” or some other faith-biased reference.. Your pet crematory may also have a memorial page. Some will include the pet obituary as part of their blog, on a family genealogy site, or in a personal scrapbook of obituaries.

Writing or reading an obituary about someone or something you love who/that has been lost can be a healing exercise, helping you reflect on the value they brought to your life and the difference their life made in the world.

Q. What’s the best format to list family members?

A. They are listed by closest relation first: spouse (current first if listing multiple spouses), children (oldest to youngest), grandchildren, great-grandchildren, parents, and siblings. You list the name of the relative with their spouse’s name in parentheses. For example, Sam is survived by their spouse Hao Smith, children Kit (Lex) Smith-Livingood and Tommie Smith, and two Great Danes, Bobby and Doggo. Sam is predeceased by parents Drew and Jesse Smith and infant child Ollie.

Q. Is humor in an obituary appropriate?

A. Obituaries and eulogies should reflect and honor the person, but also be respectful of those reading or receiving the words. Some may not want the final story of their life to be dour. I read one that began… “Pete was a jokester who kept us all in high spirits…” and the obituary contained multiple jokes and puns, tastefully presented.

Tag: Funeral

Atheists have funerals.