Diversity & Death: Identity Affirming Deathcare Planning
by Tee Rogers
UPDATE: The workbook has been published. Download your free copy at IADDresource.org.
Every identity should be authentically honored as the person nears death and is cared for after death and everyone deserves identity-affirming professionals to serve them and their families at such a difficult time. In this article, you’ll find Identity Affiming Directives & Workshops, Grief Resources, and more.
Grief for loved ones lost and anxieties about our own mortality are both challenges that each of us faces and understands. We experience them individually and uniquely, yet collectively and together. The time when we lose a loved one – or our loved ones lose us – is often described as a blur of chaos.
Planning ahead gives us peace of mind for ourselves and those we care about. Financially, emotionally, and logistically – we can ensure that when our time comes, things fall into place. There are professionals who can help – estate planning attorneys, financial planners, funeral and cemetery professionals, etc. If you haven’t yet, you should meet with each of those.
The LGBTQ+ and religious minority & secular identity communities encounter additional stressors such as finding planning professionals who are DEI fluent (or, at the very least, accepting), ensuring identity expression will be honored at the time of their death, finding identity-affirming deathcare providers, and knowing that loved ones can find support at their time of grief.
Honoring Personal Identity: Where do we turn when we have concerns about a diverse identity that requires, say, the use of certain pronouns during a eulogy, specific attire for the viewing, certain blessings or rituals, designating someone other than next of kin to handle final arrangements, or secular-only language at the time of near-death …who helps us with those directives?
Grief Support: When a loss occurs, where do grieving loved ones turn when traditional support systems are not the right fit?
There are resources addressing these concerns. Let’s talk about them.
1. Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives
Thinking about deathcare for ourselves can be difficult – even traumatic. Some face the added stress of wondering whether that identity will be honored as they near death and at their services after. Will the decisions made for us when our voice can no longer be heard affirm or negate our identity?
A daughter who didn’t find out until too late that her father’s religion prohibited embalming; she feels tremendous guilt for not knowing this and honoring his faith. A partner of more than 20 years who lost their loved one, when both had agreed on final arrangements, but the family took over after death and did something different. Transgender and other non-binary presenting individuals who fear being misrepresented in death. Non-religious individuals not wanting religious rituals when approaching, and after, their death. There are so many heartbreaking stories, so much stress and fear, so many families suffering guilt or even estrangement after of the stress of end-of-life decisions.
Planning ahead can alleviate some of the stress of wondering what will happen, as well as providing a guide for those who will be responsible for caring for us – loved ones, hospice & hospital teams, and deathcare professionals. There are many guides, books, and tools out there, but none address issues specific to diverse identities – until now.
The Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives© workbook is a free tool designed to walk you through identity-related concerns and provide you the opportunity to make your own decisions. All LGBTQ+ and Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identities (RSSI) can use this workbook as a self-exploration as well as a directives document.
Resource Page: http://IADDresource.org
The workbook was created in collaboration by Matthew Rosenthal, Esq., an attorney who helps families with estate planning and Tee Rogers, a Humanist Celebrant and funeral and cemetery planning professional.
Identity Affirming Deathcare Planning Workshops
These free workshops are safe-space discussions where we will explore identity-related challenges that may be faced during end-of-life services and ways that simple planning can mitigate frustration and pain for loved ones.
Groups, organizations, and businesses can schedule these free workshops.
Next Scheduled Workshop
August 11th, 2022, 6 – 7:30 p.m.
The Center (946 N Mills Ave, Orlando, FL 32803).
Registration Required: http://IADD-081122.eventbrite.com
2. LGBTQ+ and Secular Grief Resources
Some diverse identities – specifically, LGBTQ+ and Atheist, Humanist, and other secular / non-religious identities – may be turned away from grief support groups, therapists, and other lifelines. If they are accepted, they may find the situation to be unaffirming and unhelpful – or even harmful.
As a deathcare professional, I’ve worked with bereaved same-sex and/or non-religious spouses or partners and other family members who sought help, but both support groups and professionals turned them away without providing direction for finding more appropriate care. One person shared that they felt like no one could help them after a support group rejected them and when their funeral home could not provide them with any alternatives, they gave up seeking help.
As a Humanist Celebrant, I’ve spoken to families declined service by religious officiants for weddings, funerals, and other support. At important life moments the impact of rejection, compounded by not knowing where to turn next for help, can be difficult to navigate.
It is essential that people know there are identity-affirming resources in our community. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
And for professionals and providers, these wonderful resources in our community are available for you to make referrals for your clients.
Find LGBTQ+ and Secular Grief resources here: https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/identity-affirming-resources/
Identity Affirming Final Arrangements Planning
There are so many heartbreaking stories of how people of diverse identities experience the funeral industry. DEI Fluent and affirming professionals can help you plan so that your identity-related wishes can be known and honored and your loved ones will not face family rifts and battles over final arrangements.
Matthew Rosenthal, Esq. of Rosenthal Meyer, PLLC provides comprehensive advanced estate planning that solves many of the issues that arise after a death occurs. I (Tee Rogers) am a funeral and cemetery planning advisor with Dignity Memorial. Together, Attorney Rosenthal and I created the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives© workbook and we both serve in our Central Florida community by providing identity-affirming planning services.
Contact us for private consultations and assistance.
Follow-up and Further Information
If you would like further information on any of these resources or on funeral & cemetery pre-planning or celebrant services, contact Tee Rogers at tee.rogers@outlook.com or 407-608-9242.
For information on identity-affirming estate planning and legal guidance or questions, contact Matthew Rosenthal, Esq. at mrosenthal@rosenthalmeyer.com or 407-504-9725 or visit rosenthalmeyer.com.
