A ceremony can be provided for a couple by their officiant (notary) or celebrant (Humanist or religious clergy). Some don’t even get to review it before their wedding day.
You have a choice – The words, rituals, and experience of your ceremony can be as unique as you are! Here are some suggestions for personalizing your ceremony and vows.
That sounds intimidating – how much work is it?
Personalizing your ceremony can be as simple as answering a few questions for your celebrant, reading some samples to select elements you like, or just including your own vows or statements of love. Or, you can have a fully personalized ceremony written by you, or written for you.
It’s important to ask your celebrant or officiant if you can review the ceremony and talk to them about personalization options.
Your ceremony should reflect your values and character.
What is required for a ceremony?
By law, you must each declare that you are willingly entering into the legal arrangement of marriage. This must be witnessed by a qualified official (Humanist or religious clergy, notary, etc) and they must sign your marriage license. This doesn’t even have to be done during the ceremony, it can be done just before we sign the marriage certificate after the ceremony.
The order of things, rituals, and language have no legal requirements other than the declaration & signing. However, religious, cultural, or family traditions may have expectations and requirements that you may want to honor.
The first step is a conversation.
Talk to one another about what you want in a ceremony. What does this ceremony mean to you? Maybe the words are not important – the act and symbolism are. Or you may want a humorous ceremony that friends and family will talk about for years to come. Or you may want a serious, solemn, “deep and meaningful” ceremony. Some want a combination of all of that. Together, rate these styles in order of importance.
Any of these can be crafted to have a more traditional feel or to be the most unique ceremony your friends and family have ever experienced.
How long should my ceremony be?
That is up to you. Your ceremony might be a few minutes, or it might be an hour. Consider your guests: do you have elderly guests? Will guests be standing outdoors in a garden? Are you trying to time your kiss for a specific moment (like sunrise, or a favorite time of day?
Who writes the ceremony?
Couples may write their own ceremony or provide enough of the ceremony to the celebrant that it can be easily organized for you.
You can certainly hire someone, such as your celebrant or another professional writer, to write a personal ceremony for you. Many celebrants have sample ceremonies you can choose from and may even allow you to use and edit them at no charge. Others may charge by the type of ceremony for personalization. You can also ask a friend or family member to write your ceremony on their own or to work with your celebrant.
HCO’s method – Humanist Celebrant Orlando has five pre-written original Humanist ceremony templates you can use as-is or edit as you’d like. They range from minimal/brief to a complete guide for a fully personalized ceremony that you craft yourselves or with your celebrant. Some guidance and assistance are built into the wedding package, or we can fully write an original, unique ceremony just for you (see Price List page).
Can the ceremony be non-religious?
Many couples are breaking from religious tradition and using secular ceremonies either because they are not religious themselves or because they have guests of diverse religious, secular, and spiritual backgrounds, and want a ceremony that will be meaningful and respectful to everyone there.
Humanist Celebrant Orlando specializes in non-religious ceremonies that are inspiring, compassionate, and personalized to you, honoring your journey as a couple. A Humanist Celebrant is not ethically able to use religious language, although we can weave religious elements into your ceremony through guest-led readings or songs.
Who’s the Bride?
Traditional wedding ceremonies may use language & order that assume antiquated binary gender “man and woman” identity. Not a web we need to be caught in. Even if you choose a template or pre-written ceremony, the order of names and use of pronouns can be adjusted.
Names. Many couples ask me to flip their names (e.g., “we’re here today to celebrant Ayden and Peyton…” and the next instance would be “Peyton and Ayden”). Others use alphabetical order rather than gender-biased order.
Pronouns. The ceremony can be written without pronouns, or incorporating each spouse’s pronouns where appropriate. E.g., “Peyton, take Ayden’s hand in yours and place the ring on zir finger as you repeat after me…”.
What are the “ceremony building blocks”?
As mentioned above, there are only two requirements: declaration and signing. In fact, at a “sign & go” or “marry now” wedding, that’s all we do!
Beyond that, you have a Tabula Rasa – a blank slate – that you can use to create the perfect ceremony. There is no specified order and anyone can lead any section of the ceremony, but you want things to flow well. Your celebrant can help with reviewing a ceremony you write and making helpful suggestions. Some options include:
- Processional (seating of parents/grandparents, wedding party entrance, spouse entrance individually or together, etc)
- Welcome
- Recognition of special guests, those who could not be present, etc.
- Invocation
- Your Love Story
- Audience inclusion ritual(s)
- Readings
- Declaration of Intent (required)
- Audience participation (such as a wedding circle during the vows)
- Vows
- Exchange of rings / tokens
- Ring vows / gift vows
- Family, child, and/or pet vows
- Audience vows
- Unity Ritual(s)
- Guest Reading(s)
- Guest Speaker(s)
- Guest Performance(s)
- Song(s) / music
- Words of Advice
- Closing remarks
- Pronouncement
- Recessional
Personal Vows or Statements of Love
There are many ways you can exchange vows, from the most basic declaration ( e.g., “Do you take ___ to be your lawfully wedded spouse?”) to elaborate performances.
The declaration can be woven into your personal vows, or done separately with your personal vows to follow. For example, after “I do’s” are spoken, the celebrant invites each to share their personal vows or statements of love.
What’s the difference between “Vows” and “Statements of Love”?
Not much; they’re used in the same way in the ceremony. A vow is a pledge or a promise. Things you will do for one another throughout your life: love and honor, respect, etc. A statement of love might be more about what you love about that person and what you want for your future together. It may be the story of your love for the other rather than a promise to do certain things (although the declaration of lawful marriage consent must be included before or within the vows or statement of love).
This can be recited or read by each of the spouses or can be prompted by the celebrant. Or projected on a screen. Or prompted by a member or members of the wedding party or guest(s) in the audience. Be creative – especially if this is the only part of the ceremony that is personalized.
Standard vow example: I (name) take you (name) to be my lawfully wedded spouse, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.
Here are some suggestions to help with writing your own vows or statements of love:
- Reflect on your journey together. How did you meet? What is your favorite memory of your fiance?
- Of the 7 billion people on this planet, you’ve chosen to pair-bond with this person. Why?
- Come up with 10-20 words or brief phrases that describe how you want your marriage to be.
- Make a list of things that make marriage successful that you see in people you know – your family, friends, or culture
- Jot down 10 words or phrases that capture what you love most about your fiancé.
- Do a google search (after you make your own lists) of vow examples and jot down some phrases that seem meaningful to you.
- Reflect on what you are prepared to promise the other person, and what you would like them to promise to you. Is it meaningful to you both? Does it reflect your values? Is it realistic? For example, most couples these days do not have different vows based on binary gender expectations (like “obey” for women). OK, if you’re crafting a BDSM-themed wedding ceremony, then “obey” might be in there somewhere.
- Make it timeless. Speaking of themes, remember that your relationship, and each of you, will grow and change over time. Review your ceremony and vows: when you reflect back on your ceremony years from now, will it still be meaningful to you both?
You can write them on your own or share your notes with your celebrant or a friend who can help you organize them.
If you’re writing your own vows – especially if keeping them secret from one another until the ceremony – it is a good idea to select one (or more) trusted friend or family member to review both spouses’ drafts. Your celebrant can also help – but someone who knows you well is a great choice. If meaningful to you, you may want to ensure that they are each about the same length and the same style and tone (e.g. humorous, whistful, or serious).
It’s yours to keep.
The memory of this day is yours. You’ll look back on it. If your celebrant provides a keepsake ceremony, you might read it to each other on anniversaries, or use it to renew your vows many years from now. Even a simple ceremony that takes only minutes becomes an important moment in your journey together.
How do you want to remember this day?
