Atheists have funerals.

Some Diverse Secular Identities and Terms (click for larger image)

I was chatting in a group and someone interrupted to say hello. He’d recognized me as the officiant at a recent non-religious funeral. The conversation shifted abruptly. Someone in the group said they didn’t know that Atheists would even have funerals: “Why would they?”

I’ve had people tell me they didn’t understand marriage in the context of Atheism. Or secular baby welcoming / baby naming rituals that may take the place of baptisms. And yes, some think that one who doesn’t share their faith wouldn’t experience funerals, celebrations of life, or memorials in a meaningful way. Through a narrow lens, those moments may be steeped in the traditions of a specific faith.

Ritual is something ubiquitously human. It’s a significant experience across diverse perspectives. All feel love for others and grieve losses, support friends and family in their grief, and may find meaning in gathering together to say goodbye and honor someone lost. Yes, Atheists have funerals.

Beautiful moments of connection, like the private conversation that followed “Why would they?”, can build mini-bridges. But they’re also a broader reminder that barriers to diverse exposure (like limiting educational conversations about diversity) can create chasms between us and add to heavy, lonely burdens that people around us are carrying.

Mini bridges help, but larger bridges are needed.

A systemic bias in deathcare

The deathcare industry is, like many other service-focused industries, imbued with faith-bias. That means that people of secular and religious minority identities who are experiencing grief may also face, or fear facing, discrimination, identity washing, othering, silencing, harassment, faith bullying, being outed/coming out, and other challenges – at one of their most vulnerable moments.

It often comes as a surprise, even to those who face these Sisyphean challenges every day. Deathcare is a subject many people avoid in general. And further, very few consider in advance how LGBTQIA+ or secular or religious minority identity might impact them or their family when a death occurs. Far fewer make a plan, identify affirming providers and professionals in advance, and provide practical and legal tools that make things easier for loved ones.

There’s enough drama & trauma for families at such a difficult time. No one wants to be preyed on in a time of grief and no one should be forced to pray, pretend to pray, or defer to someone else’s g/God(s) at a time of grief and loss. Every person of every religious, secular, and spiritual identity – and LGBTQIA+ identity – deserves to be authentically honored in their deathcare.

Planning ahead is self-care.

You can plan for inclusive services by providing direction in your planning documents about, for example, using a certified Humanist Celebrant and how to locate one (links are below). This is important because the funeral home professional you’re working with may not be aware – or willing to acknowledge – that this resource exists. Remember that a Humanist Celebrant or Chaplain may be able to help you through the entire process, potentially even joining your meetings with the funeral home and cemetery if you invite them to.

If you’re intentional, open, and determined you can find inclusive providers who won’t try to “save” you on your deathbed or “bless” your body without consent. You can vet funeral providers (funeral homes, funeral directors, cemeteries, etc. – even hospices or hospitals) to ensure your perspective is welcomed and you and your family will be treated with respect when it matters most. You’re going to put your trust in someone – by planning ahead you have greater control over who that will be.

Vetting companies & professionals can be as simple as glancing over their website and social media shares, and/or disclosing your identity to them. Listen to the messages they promote or how they respond to you. How does what they say make you feel? Trust your gut. If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s not your shoe.

And know that there are advocates and allies willing to help. You are not alone. If you have questions about inclusive deathcare, whether for a current experience or for planning ahead, i’m a call or text away at 407-608-9242.

RESOURCES

Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives – a free download fill-in-the-blank style guide and mental health and other resources for those in the LGBTQIA+ and minority RSSI (Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identity) communities.
The Humanist Society – contact certified Humanist Celebrants, Chaplains, Lay Leaders, and Invocators.
National Consortium for Inclusion in Deathcare – This is a Big Bridge under construction – an emerging group of inclusion-focused deathcare professionals and researchers working to establish support for one another and resources for everyone. Contact 407-608-9242 to get connected.
More information & resources for Humanist and non-religious end-of-life ceremonies: https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/memorials-life-celebrations/

https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/memorials-life-celebrations/

June 11, 2023June 11, 2023

A Special Graduation for Pride Month

Cover Photo Credit: Luis Xavier De Peña, Watermark Magazine

Bliss Health holistically serves a diverse community of people seeking to maintain or improve their health, relationships, and quality of life.

Bliss TRANSformation, one of their programs, is an annual conversational educational series that helps trans people learn ways to cope with the societal difficulties of being trans, become advocates for themselves and other transgender individuals, build leadership skills, and live successful lives. Bliss Health also facilitates and pays for each graduate’s legal name change. The TRANSformation program welcomes trans men, trans women, and anyone who identifies as non-binary.

The 2023 program, which had 60 participants, culminated in a graduation ceremony held at Typhoon Lagoon. It served as the kick-off of One Magical Weekend, the LGBTQIA+ Weekend at Walt Disney World Parks.

What a way to kick off Pride Month!

As part of their graduation ceremony on June 2nd, it was my honor to deliver the graduation keynote in the form of a group Transgender Naming Ceremony. Surrounded by family and friends, these graduates celebrated a pivotal milestone.

Ceremonies and rituals are deeply rooted in the art of flourishing as humans. They are a framework to commemorate, understand, share, and remember significant moments in our lives. They bring people together for a common purpose and foster & strengthen a sense of togetherness. Through ceremony, we experience a connection with something greater than ourselves like the community around us, or a relationship with culture and tradition.

A Transgender Naming Ceremony can hold tremendous meaning for those marking a transition to a new identity and a name that resonates with their true self. An affirming ceremony recognizes, acknowledges, and honors the courage it takes to be audaciously genuine. It can validate that individual’s journey and signify acceptance from those around us. It also provides healing and closure on the journey of self-acceptance and authenticity.

“…Throughout your life you have been swimming against the rushing current of cis-het norms and expectations. No matter how difficult, how scary, or how many times you were on that journey in solitude, you remained true to yourself. Your integrity and fortitude brought you here today. But you did not come here today in solitude. You came in solidarity, together with one another and with Bliss Health and all of the professionals, friends, family, allies, and advocates who have stood, and will continue to stand, with you…”

Ceremonies often contain rituals, like wedding unity rituals and water rituals in baby welcomings/namings. At the Transformations graduation, we joined in a community name-honoring ritual that celebrated each person’s new name, then we joined together in pledging to continue in positive self-care and to be a light in the world for others. We ended with a Humanist invocation before one last high-energy group participation moment. You just had to be there. 🙂

Congratulations to all of the graduates and thank you to Bliss Health for providing this important program that clearly made such an impact on each individual.

Mr. Rogers (no relation…) once said that when we see scary things in the news, “Look for the helpers. There are always people helping.” And the news these days can be scary indeed. The wisdom in looking for the positive is that what we choose to focus on informs our thoughts, which become actions, which define our character.

When we “look for the helpers”, we’re intentionally focusing on positive forces like Bliss Health’s TRANSformations program – and Nathan Bradley, the program’s fantastic coordinator – for inspiration to understand a little of the journey others are on – to walk a few steps in their shoes – and to find ways that we can make a difference for those around us.

Naming Ceremony, Humanist Celebrant Orlando — Read more about Transgender Naming Ceremonies

LINKS

Bliss Health: Website

Watermarkonline.com event photos by Luis Xavier De Peña

May 7, 2023May 7, 2023

Divorce Ceremonies

Humanist Celebrant Orlando Tee Rogers Divorce Ceremony

Can i share something personal with you? I got divorced. It was finalized on January 18, 2007 – yesterday, a million years ago. The sun was out that morning, but all i felt was darkness. alone. broken. lost. unlovable. all the bad feelings. It was a rough day. Even though it was the best decision for us to move on, and i was grateful to have had such a wonderful relationship in my life, i was still wracked with grief. Some days you just need a blankie and a teddy bear and a bottle of scotch, you know?

I was thinking about that day this morning while updating the Divorce Ceremonies page on my website. How would such a ceremony have impacted my life? I think it would have been AMAZING, healing, freeing.

Could it help you or someone you know?

Such a ceremony is a unique, intentional way to honor what has been lost, mark closure, and look forward to a new chapter. A professional celebrant will learn about your unique situation, write a custom ceremony, and officiate a meaningful experience.

Continue reading about what happens at Divorce Ceremonies here:

Divorce Ceremonies

May 2, 2023May 2, 2023

Humanist Celebrants and End-Of-Life Services

You’ve lost someone you love. And they, and/or your family, are not religious. From ceremony composition and officiation to diverse identity advocacy and safe-space support, please know that secular support and resources are available for you.

A Humanist Funeral honors someone’s life and memory in a way that reflects their Humanist values and beliefs. The focus is often on celebrating the life of the person who has passed away, rather than mourning their loss; however, if a more traditional, somber memorial is preferred by the family, this can be a Humanist service also.

The ceremony is usually conducted by a humanist Celebrant who works closely with you to create a personalized ceremony that reflects your loved one’s beliefs, values, and wishes.

The ceremony may include readings, poetry, music, and personal stories or anecdotes about the deceased. The officiant may also offer reflections on the meaning and purpose of life, the importance of love and human connection, and the enduring legacy of the deceased.

In a Humanist Funeral, there is no religious or supernatural content delivered by the Celebrant, such as prayers or references to an afterlife. Instead, the focus is on the here and now, and on the lasting impact that the deceased has had on the lives of those who knew and loved them. The Humanist Celebrant is ethically restricted from using religious language; if some religious content is desired, they will help incorporate it through readings and reflections delivered by family or friends.

Overall, a Humanist Funeral is a meaningful and respectful way to honor the memory of a loved one and to celebrate their life in a way that reflects their humanist values and beliefs.

Why are funerals Important?

Important for all Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identities (RSSI), a funeral is a ceremony or service to honor and pay respect to a person who has died. It’s for family and friends to join together to mourn their loss, offer condolences, and celebrate the life of the deceased.

Funerals are important in the grieving process for many people, providing a safe, meaningful space for loved ones to share memories, offer support, and begin to come to terms with their loss – a point of closure. This ceremony can also be an opportunity to reflect on the meaning and purpose of life and to find comfort and solace in the company of others who are going through a similar experience.

Where is a Humanist Funeral Held?

Many of these services happen at the funeral home if there is a congregational venue available there. A funeral home is a wonderful choice for an end-of-life ceremony. Their staff is trained to support grieving families and their facilities are set up for these services; this is what they do. They will take the planning burden off of the family and ensure that things run smoothly.

Some may choose to have only a graveside service or committal, and the entire service happens at the cemetery or place of scattering.

If you want a more traditional, though inclusive and secular, funeral setting, Unitarian Universalist churches are often Humanist-affirming and their congregational center may be a wonderful option.

The service, however, can be done anywhere you would like (with restrictions if the body will be present), such as a home, garden, or restaurant.

What is in the script of a Humanist Funeral?

This can vary widely based on personal preference – there are no required parts or required order of things. In general, the service will include:

Opening remarks, Humanist Invocation, welcome
Reading of the eulogy
Music may be incorporated before, during, or following the ceremony
Guests sharing memories or tributes
Readings or poetry (usually one or two selections)
Closing words of inspiration and support

What is Humanist Advocacy in Deathcare?

Healthcare and Deathcare providers, and some individual professionals, can be faith-biased. This means they have a religious agenda, usually Christian-centric, that is ubiquitously imposed on those they care for even though it may not serve all of the individuals and families that come into their care. In a diverse, pluralistic culture where we have freedom of (and FROM) religion, no one should be forced to pray to or defer to someone else’s G/god(s) at a time of grief. For some minority religious and secular individuals, conversations requesting someone to honor their identity can be anxiety-causing and triggers for other trauma.

A Humanist Celebrant, if willing and qualified, can serve as your advocate, providing non-religious support to you and your family as well as assisting with inclusion-focused conversations with hospital chaplains, hospital and hospice staff, and funeral home staff. Having a Humanist Celebrant with you at the arrangement conference or at other important moments, in person or by phone, can alleviate some of the anxiety about discrimination, faith-bullying, and other very real challenges.

What services can a Humanist Celebrant provide?

A Humanist Celebrant, if certified and ordained through The Humanist Society, is legally recognized as clergy in the United States, being accorded the same rights and privileges granted by law to priests, ministers, and rabbis of traditional theistic religions.

Humanist Celebrants often serve as advocates for the non-religious as well as other marginalized identities. Minority faiths (such as Wiccan) or LGBTQIA+ individuals may engage a Humanist Celebrant for some or all of these services.

End-of-life services may include:

The Celebrant may visit the hospice or hospital to provide Humanist support to the dying and their family, as many secular families are frustrated by – even traumatized by – religious predators, at this difficult time, in the faith-biased healthcare industry;
The Celebrant can assist with finding an affirming funeral home provider (that will be affirming of a diverse identity such as Humanist, Atheist, minority religion, or LGBTQIA+);
The Celebrant may provide Humanist support or presence in communicating with funeral home, cemetery, and other professionals, as secular families may be discriminated against, harassed, Preyed upon, identity washed, and other challenges faced in the faith-biased funeral industry;
The Celebrant may attend a religious service or ceremony, and deliver a Humanist invocation or reading only, to honor the deceased or to be inclusive of those attending the service who are of diverse perspectives and/or non-religious identities;
The Celebrant can compose a custom ceremony, working with the family to select wording, readings, and invocations;
The Celebrant may be asked to write the obituary and/or the eulogy (sometimes a family member chooses to write this part or to closely collaborate with the Celebrant);
The Celebrant may serve as the officiant for the funeral service;
The eulogy – story of life and tribute to the deceased – is delivered as part of the service. This can be read by the Celebrant, or a family member may elect to do this. The Celebrant stands by to offer support.
The Celebrant may be asked to attend, and sometimes deliver a Humanist invocation or reading, at the visitation or viewing, graveside service or committal ceremony, or other ceremony such as a scattering or tree planting.
The Celebrant may be asked to attend or make a visit to the reception or repast.

Sample Humanist Readings and other resources can be found here:

Humanist Readings for Funerals

How is a Humanist Celebrant Paid?

The Celebrant usually charges an honorarium for end-of-life services. This style of ceremony and service fee is a “suggested amount”. Some families add gratuity and travel or extra time compensation to the fee, others pay less if they are unable to afford the ceremony fee. No one should be left without clergy representation and support, and Humanist advocacy where needed, at such a difficult time in their life.

Finding Affirming Providers

The best way to ensure that you have selected a funeral home and other professional services that are knowledgeable about and affirming of your identity is to pre-plan. Planning ahead, before there is a crisis, gives you a lower-stress opportunity to interview and research providers. Your Humanist Celebrant can guide and assist you with that process as well.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando’s owner, Tee Rogers, is also a pre-planning advisor in the funeral industry. She would be glad to answer any questions you have about pre-planning.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando Tee Rogers Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives

You can use tools such as the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives to reflect on your identity-related end-of-life wishes and provide loved ones and professionals the guidance and tools to honor those wishes.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando, funeral service reviews

Review Funeral 2023 Humanist Celebrant Orlando Tee Rogers

April 24, 2023April 24, 2023

Gender Affriming Naming Ceremonies

A naming ceremony for gender change – also called a butterfly ceremony – celebrates a new identity, as a culmination of, or an important part of, a long and meaningful journey. When something is important in our lives – a milestone birthday, a wedding, a retirement – those we care about come together in support and celebration. We throw a party.

Naming ceremonies may be held by those who identify as a gender that is different from the one they were assigned at birth. This can include people who identify as transgender, non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, and many other gender identities.

Our name is connected to our identity, and the name we received at birth may not always reflect how we identify in the world – yet it informs how others perceive and treat us and how we perceive and treat ourselves. Making a change to a new name is significant, and marks an important moment in our journey.

In the journey of transition and validation of a non-cisgender or gender non-conforming identity, the formal affirmation of a new name in the presence of family and friends can be a meaningful, exciting milestone. It gives a clear message about the usage of the new name and what it means in someone’s life and a community affirmation of one’s new identity.

We hold ceremonies and rituals to create memories, celebrate, and share our important moments with friends and family. Ceremonies promote a sense of belonging and identity among a group, fostering community. Ceremonies can also be healing and mark a point of closure – and renewal – in our lives.

A Butterfly Ceremony is also an opportunity to thank those who have supported and guided you on your journey and share what this transition means for you as a person and for your future.

A professional Celebrant will craft a unique, personalized ceremony and officiate the ceremony portion of the event.

Some elements of the ceremony may include:

Welcome and Humanist invocation
The story behind your new name, its meaning to you, why you chose it
A statement or ritual for letting go of the past identity and honoring that identity and the journey. This can be particularly meaningful when including a parent in the re-naming ceremony and honoring the original given name.
Vows of the individual for self-love and acceptance
Vows of a trusted friend, selected individuals, or of the whole group to support you in your continued journey
Individuals to share readings, affirmations, or words of support
A ritual such as a cascade candle lighting, tree planting, or reveal of a name plaque or custom/original name artwork
Audience inclusion ritual such as namewarming (a necklace or other jewelry with the new name, passed around for everyone to briefly hold, then placed on you by the celebrant), audience pledges of support (call and repeat, written and collected, or individually spoken), or something fun like everyone doing a shot together during/at the end of the ceremony
Presentation of gifts or declarations of gratitude to specific people who have been of great support
Volunteer / service engagement (such as a Positive Postcards project to support a local LGBT Youth organization or a gift/food/money collection for them)*
A reading (poem, book excerpt, song lyrics)
Bewtowance or revealing of the name
The ceremony may be followed by a catered reception, dancing, or may be held at a public place with entertainment and food.

*Humanist Celebrant Orlando will host a FREE Positive Postcards project, as part of your Naming Ceremony package, in support of the Zebra Coalition.

March 27, 2023March 27, 2023

Humanist Baby Welcoming Ceremony

Welcoming a child into a family is a momentous occasion, isn’t it? And we humans commemorate important moments in our lives with rituals and ceremonies. A wedding. Graduation. Funeral or Celebration of Life. Ceremonies mark that moment in our memories and make them extra special. We take photos. We talk about the day for years to come.

In many Christian and Protestant traditions, babies are baptized. At this ceremony, they welcome the child into the faith and family, and some may name “Godparents” to serve as moral guides and alternates should the parents die before the child becomes an adult.

What if you don’t have a tradition where babies are baptized? Or if you are not religious at all, or have mixed beliefs and traditions in your family? Can you still have a beautiful ceremony of welcoming?

Absolutely.

The many types of naming & welcoming ceremonies

A welcoming or naming ceremony can be for

A new infant – performed at the reveal ceremony, at the hospital, or soon after coming home
On a special day such as a six-month ceremony, at the first birthday, or some other important milestone for the family
A formal welcoming for an adopted child of any age

Transgender Naming Ceremonies

Another type of meaningful naming ceremony is a Transgender Naming Ceremony, sometimes called a Butterfly Ceremony. These celebrate someone’s identity, commemorate their name and gender, and provide a positive foundation for family and friends to support their loved one’s journey and transition.

Pet Naming/Welcoming Ceremonies

You’ve got a new fur-kid being added to your family! New pawprints on your heart. A ceremony can help formalize the responsibility of all family members (such as children involved in the care of the animal) and provide a wonderful memory of that animal coming into your lives. Many of us feel that pets are family – i’ve seen scrapbooks, albums, and even Facebook pages for pets. Wouldn’t a welcoming ceremony be a wonderful way to launch that relationship?

A recent ceremony example

A family i recently served had a blend of secular and traditional-religious members. They wanted to honor everyone by incorporating a secular baptismal-style ritual into the ceremony. They felt a formal ceremony and ritual would be meaningful for them as parents, but also for the Guideparents to be officially named and make their pledge to serve and for the family to participate somehow in the ceremony.

The custom script included history of the child’s name and why it was chosen, a reading of a letter from the mother to her child, and a reading of a poem. In the water ritual, we passed a vase of water. As each person held the vase briefly, they were to think the child’s name and make a silent promise to him that they would keep throughout his life. When the vase was passed back to the front of the room, i applied some of the water to the child’s head and said, “(child’s name), this water represents the love and commitment of everyone here for you today.”

Your Ceremony will be uniquely yours.

You may find that there are so many options out there for namings that it can be overwhelming. And if you’ve never been to a naming ceremony, you may not know what to expect. When you talk to your celebrant about your potential ceremony, we’ll ask questions that will help us make recommendations that will be meaningful for you. We’ll answer your questions about the process and ceremony.

Here’s an article from The Celebrant Directory: What happens during a Naming Ceremony?

Humanist Celebrants Officiate Unique Ceremonies

Wedding planning is joyful – but already stressful without worrying about identity discrimination. Most officiants are inclusive, and if unable to perform your ceremony they can provide referrals to someone who can help.

However, some couples have less friendly experiences. I hear from clients who have approached wedding officiants and been turned away – some have been hung up on, called names, or had officiants try to “save” them when they requested a secular or other non-traditional ceremony.

Whether an LGBTQIA+ wedding ceremony, a custom-written Wiccan ceremony, an Atheist ceremony, a Dueling Officiants Ceremony (one religious, one not…), a “sign & go” couple-only wedding at a Starbucks, or any other meaningful way to honor the unique journey of a couple…a Humanist Celebrant can help.

Did you know … there’s a whole network of ordained Humanist Celebrants right here in Central Florida – a hidden gem of resources at your fingertips.

What to ask your Officiant regarding your identity

Interview your officiant – make sure they’re right for the job. First and foremost, be direct. You want an officiant who is comfortable with your request and who can provide helpful, meaningful suggestions for creating the ceremony of your dreams. Say exactly what you need so that you can make sure the officiant is the right fit for you. There are lots of officiants out there – remember the saying, “if the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s not your shoe.”.

Here are a few great questions i’ve gotten from couples:

“We are a Wiccan couple and will be having our ceremony in the forest at night. What are some ways we can honor our Wiccan tradition in our ceremony?”

“I am Baptist and my family is also. My partner and her family are Atheists. What are some things we can do in the ceremony that bridge both families and honor everyone?”

“My fiance is a transitioning man who uses they/them pronouns. We want to make sure you can honor that.”

“We were married as Catholics 10 years ago, but want to do a vow renewal because we are both Atheists now and want a wedding that reflects our values. Can you help us?”

“We are a bdsm couple and will be having a themed ceremony. Are you comfortable with this?”

In our hearts we’ve been married for years – we just want to do the paperwork. Can we just do that without any ceremony?

“We know you’re non-religious, but we want to have some religious readings in our ceremony. How do you accommodate that?”

More than Ceremonies

Humanist Celebrants can legally perform weddings as well as preside over other ceremonies such as celebrations of life/memorials, coming-of-age, butterfly ceremonies (transgender re-naming ceremonies), and baby welcomings (alternative to religious baptism).

Humanist Celebrants are the clergy of the non-religious, having the same rights as theistic clergy, allowing them to legally perform weddings under the jurisdiction of the law within their state, provide secular spiritual care, and are subject to “clergy” confidentiality.

Humanist Celebrants and Chaplains can also provide Humanist (secular) visits to those in hospitals, hospices, and prisons. The chaplains/clergy in those facilities may be inter- or non-denominational, but may still use religious language or not have an understanding of non-religious identities (or minority identities, such as Wiccan, Humanistic Judaism, Cultural Catholicism, etc.).

Have you seen the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives? It’s free to download and offers a reflection on how our identities inform our deathcare wishes.
Learn more: http://IADDresource.org

What is a Humanist Celebrant?

From The Humanist Society: “Humanist Celebrants provide meaningful, distinctly personal, and professional humanist ceremonies for a wide range of life’s major events and milestones. A celebrant can help commemorate the welcoming of a child, coming-of-age, gender transitions, commitment unions, weddings, memorials, and so much more! Our celebrants are committed to humanism and not bound by a traditional religion and its dogma, therefore they are able to provide custom-made ceremonies imbued with personal meaning and honor the shared humanity and values of those involved.”

Want more info? Let’s connect.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando - Lake Eola Wedding

August 29, 2022August 31, 2022

Obituaries: what, when, and how.

What is an Obituary?

The word obituary comes from the Latin obitus, going in the direction of ruin or death; sunset.

Whether a simple announcement of a death or a lengthy tribute, an obituary is a public posting by a family that a death has occurred, a public record of the person’s life and legacy, and/or an announcement of the final arrangements and services for those who may wish to attend.

Most are published online these days so family and friends everywhere can access the tribute. Some are still also published in newspapers; however, these tend to be shorter and more factual. Online tributes can include multiple photos, a more in-depth colloquy of a life lived, and comments, thoughts, and photos posted by friends and families. Some obituary sites are perpetual, others only post the listing for a finite increment of time, such as 90 days, to save server space.

The obituary may be used in various ways:

as the public announcement of a death
as the eulogy at a service (though eulogies may be more detailed than obituary)
printed in programs that are given at the service
framed or otherwise memorialized as a keepsake for the family
posted on or linked in family genealogy sites
included in a family genealogy album

Should you write your own?

Yes, you should. In my work as a planning advisor in the funeral industry, i’ve seen how difficult it is for families to write the obituary for a loved one they have just lost. Arduous and heart-wrenching, the composition of the obituary can even cause discord among loved ones – what goes in, what doesn’t, how things are worded, which photo to use, etc. When you’re pre-planning to protect your family, every burden you can take off their shoulders is a gift.

As a celebrant, i may write eulogies and obituaries or help families with that process. As a funeral & cemetery planning advisor, i encourage my clients to write out bullet points or a draft of their obituary and keep it updated. And if you don’t want an obit at all (and some don’t), make sure your family knows that.

I recently worked with someone terminally ill who wanted to write their own obituary so that their spouse wouldn’t have to do it. We went through multiple drafts, and it was very difficult, but it was so important to them to protect their spouse from having to go through that – and to make sure that certain parts of their life were highlighted. As we go through life, what is important to us changes; those around us at the time we pass may not recall or think to include aspects of our life that were extremely meaningful to us.

Obituary elements

An obituary can be difficult to think about – how do you capture an entire life in a few paragraphs? The obituary becomes the final public record of our lives.

An obituary is not required, and some who have few family members or who lived very private lives may not have one at all.

Most obituaries at a minimum contain the person’s name, age, date, and place of passing, city and state of residence (and home town, if different), and name of spouse/partner and children. They may list more relatives and are usually separated into “survived by” and “pre-deceased by” lists. They include memorial information such as the name of the funeral home and the date, time, and place for the viewing and service(s).

The formula is generally: decedent information (name, dates, and places of birth and death), family, personal information/life story, and information about the service.

Talk to others – no matter how well you knew your loved one, you will learn amazing new things about them by asking their friends and family members for their favorite stories and memories. Even if you are pre-writing your own – consider reaching out. What you learn about you may surprise you! Scroll down for more ways to personalize an obituary or eulogy.

Example: Sam Smith passed away on April 10th, 2022, after a long battle with cancer, surrounded by loved ones at home. Sam was active in volunteering for the Breast Cancer Society throughout their illness, leading fundraising initiatives and teams for awareness walks. Before cancer became a focus, Sam had been an avid volunteer with the local animal shelter. They are survived by two Great Danes (Bobby and Doggo) and a large “framily” (friend family). Sam was pre-deceased by spouse Jordan, parents Drew and Jesse Smith, and multiple rescue animals nurtured and loved through hospice care. A celebration of life sunrise service will be held Friday, July 3, at 6:30 a.m. at Riverside Park, followed by breakfast and a memorial tree planting. Donations to the Breast Cancer Society or to Pat’s Animal Rescue in Sam’s honor are appreciated.

Request an Obituary or other celebrant service

Making it Personal

Here are some things to reflect on as you write an obituary or eulogy:

What was their preferred name and pronouns? Are there any nicknames, monikers, “go-by’s” that they would want to be included?
The dates that bracket “the dash” – the birth date and death date. City & state (and/or country) of birth and death.
Where did they consider “home” to be? Where else did they live that was a significant part of their life?
Include the cause of death? For example, “after a 10-year battle with cancer…” can tie into requests at the end for donations to cancer research.
Origins – culture and heritage
Parents’ names and places of birth.
Living family members (siblings, children, grandchildren, grandparents, friends, pets, etc.)
Deceased family members (siblings, children, grandchildren, grandparents, friends, pets, etc.)
Marriage(s) – date(s) of marriage(s) and spouse name(s).
Love story – how they met, where they married, significant moments in their marriage
Military service – branch, years, rank, wars served in, memberships such as VFW, and other important information.
Education – high school, college or tech school, field of study
Awards, honors, and recognitions
Character & quirks
What did they enjoy? Hobbies, passions, sports, activities, etc.
Profession / Occupation – job title, career, stories, accomplishments, other jobs held in life. Why did they go into this occupation or why was it important to them?
The “other job” – How did they invest their personal time? Whether volunteer work, helping neighbors, or a hobby that was like a piece of their soul -what were their vocations in addition to their paid profession?
Community involvement and memberships – Were they involved in any charitable organizations? congregational membership in religious, secular, or spiritual organizations? political, fraternal, or other affiliations?
What made your loved one unique? What did people always notice about them?
What would they feel is their greatest legacy? were they most proud of (accomplishments, the difference they made in the world)
Their quote: what is something they always said? or something they would want their loved ones to know? What is one thing they hope others learned from the story of their life?
Did they have a personal mission statement, dearly held values, or other ethical/internal guideposts?
Three words that sum up your loved one’s life.
Their favorite quote or short poem

Obituary FAQ

Q: What about Identity Theft? I’ve heard that you should never post an obituary because predators use them for stealing information.

A: It is true (and very sad) that the theft of deceased identities is quite common. However, much of the information you provide in the obituary is available by other means. You may want to be careful what you include, such as avoiding exact dates of birth and death, mother’s maiden name, etc. You should definitely have information security in mind as you write an obituary.

Your funeral director will have filed with Social Security and given you a list of things you need to do after your loss; getting those things done reduces the risk to your family, as does having an Estate Planning Attorney to guide you. There are also identity theft services that guard deceased identities.

Q: When should the Obituary be published?

A: This is usually done very quickly, as it often contains information about a service that may be coming up very soon. Some will post a death notice first so that the factual information is there (name, date of death, service information), giving themselves a few days to compose, or hire a writer to compose, the full obituary.

Q: I have to write an obituary for my son, who was gay and involved in political activism. These were both VERY important in his life, but some of our family do not approve and I don’t want to cause any fights.

A. oof. That’s a challenge i see often for families of LGBTQIA+ individuals and minority Religious, Secular, or Spiritual Identities (RSSI). We want to authentically honor the life of our loved one without tearing the family apart. Only you can make the decision. Someone who was actively involved & making their voice heard for a cause may want the message they amplified present in their life story.

Whether as simple as honoring preferred pronouns, as subtle as leaving out religious references, or as loud and explosive as celebrating their accomplishments as an activist, this can be a difficult decision to make. If they had written it, what would they have done?

There’s a free workbook called the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives intended to assist us in reflecting on how our own LGBTQ+ or RSSI identity will inform our near-death care and deathcare, but it may help you in reflecting on your loved one’s identity as well.

Q. Can i write an obituary for my pet?

A. Absolutely. Just as there are cemeteries dedicated to pets, there are websites dedicated to pet obituaries such as Heaven’s Pets and Pet Heaven. Sadly, most use “heaven” or some other faith-biased reference.. Your pet crematory may also have a memorial page. Some will include the pet obituary as part of their blog, on a family genealogy site, or in a personal scrapbook of obituaries.

Writing or reading an obituary about someone or something you love who/that has been lost can be a healing exercise, helping you reflect on the value they brought to your life and the difference their life made in the world.

Q. What’s the best format to list family members?

A. They are listed by closest relation first: spouse (current first if listing multiple spouses), children (oldest to youngest), grandchildren, great-grandchildren, parents, and siblings. You list the name of the relative with their spouse’s name in parentheses. For example, Sam is survived by their spouse Hao Smith, children Kit (Lex) Smith-Livingood and Tommie Smith, and two Great Danes, Bobby and Doggo. Sam is predeceased by parents Drew and Jesse Smith and infant child Ollie.

Q. Is humor in an obituary appropriate?

A. Obituaries and eulogies should reflect and honor the person, but also be respectful of those reading or receiving the words. Some may not want the final story of their life to be dour. I read one that began… “Pete was a jokester who kept us all in high spirits…” and the obituary contained multiple jokes and puns, tastefully presented.

July 10, 2022August 14, 2022

Identity Affirming Deathcare Resrouces

Diversity & Death: Identity Affirming Deathcare Planning

by Tee Rogers

UPDATE: The workbook has been published. Download your free copy at IADDresource.org.

Every identity should be authentically honored as the person nears death and is cared for after death and everyone deserves identity-affirming professionals to serve them and their families at such a difficult time. In this article, you’ll find Identity Affiming Directives & Workshops, Grief Resources, and more.

Grief for loved ones lost and anxieties about our own mortality are both challenges that each of us faces and understands. We experience them individually and uniquely, yet collectively and together. The time when we lose a loved one – or our loved ones lose us – is often described as a blur of chaos.

Planning ahead gives us peace of mind for ourselves and those we care about. Financially, emotionally, and logistically – we can ensure that when our time comes, things fall into place. There are professionals who can help – estate planning attorneys, financial planners, funeral and cemetery professionals, etc. If you haven’t yet, you should meet with each of those.

The LGBTQ+ and religious minority & secular identity communities encounter additional stressors such as finding planning professionals who are DEI fluent (or, at the very least, accepting), ensuring identity expression will be honored at the time of their death, finding identity-affirming deathcare providers, and knowing that loved ones can find support at their time of grief.

Honoring Personal Identity: Where do we turn when we have concerns about a diverse identity that requires, say, the use of certain pronouns during a eulogy, specific attire for the viewing, certain blessings or rituals, designating someone other than next of kin to handle final arrangements, or secular-only language at the time of near-death …who helps us with those directives?

Grief Support: When a loss occurs, where do grieving loved ones turn when traditional support systems are not the right fit?

There are resources addressing these concerns. Let’s talk about them.

1. Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives

Thinking about deathcare for ourselves can be difficult – even traumatic. Some face the added stress of wondering whether that identity will be honored as they near death and at their services after. Will the decisions made for us when our voice can no longer be heard affirm or negate our identity?

A daughter who didn’t find out until too late that her father’s religion prohibited embalming; she feels tremendous guilt for not knowing this and honoring his faith. A partner of more than 20 years who lost their loved one, when both had agreed on final arrangements, but the family took over after death and did something different. Transgender and other non-binary presenting individuals who fear being misrepresented in death. Non-religious individuals not wanting religious rituals when approaching, and after, their death. There are so many heartbreaking stories, so much stress and fear, so many families suffering guilt or even estrangement after of the stress of end-of-life decisions.

Planning ahead can alleviate some of the stress of wondering what will happen, as well as providing a guide for those who will be responsible for caring for us – loved ones, hospice & hospital teams, and deathcare professionals. There are many guides, books, and tools out there, but none address issues specific to diverse identities – until now.

The Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives^© workbook is a free tool designed to walk you through identity-related concerns and provide you the opportunity to make your own decisions. All LGBTQ+ and Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identities (RSSI) can use this workbook as a self-exploration as well as a directives document.

Resource Page: http://IADDresource.org

The workbook was created in collaboration by Matthew Rosenthal, Esq., an attorney who helps families with estate planning and Tee Rogers, a Humanist Celebrant and funeral and cemetery planning professional.

Identity Affirming Deathcare Planning Workshops

These free workshops are safe-space discussions where we will explore identity-related challenges that may be faced during end-of-life services and ways that simple planning can mitigate frustration and pain for loved ones.

Groups, organizations, and businesses can schedule these free workshops.

Next Scheduled Workshop

August 11^th, 2022, 6 – 7:30 p.m.
The Center (946 N Mills Ave, Orlando, FL 32803).
Registration Required: http://IADD-081122.eventbrite.com

2. LGBTQ+ and Secular Grief Resources

Some diverse identities – specifically, LGBTQ+ and Atheist, Humanist, and other secular / non-religious identities – may be turned away from grief support groups, therapists, and other lifelines. If they are accepted, they may find the situation to be unaffirming and unhelpful – or even harmful.

As a deathcare professional, I’ve worked with bereaved same-sex and/or non-religious spouses or partners and other family members who sought help, but both support groups and professionals turned them away without providing direction for finding more appropriate care. One person shared that they felt like no one could help them after a support group rejected them and when their funeral home could not provide them with any alternatives, they gave up seeking help.

As a Humanist Celebrant, I’ve spoken to families declined service by religious officiants for weddings, funerals, and other support. At important life moments the impact of rejection, compounded by not knowing where to turn next for help, can be difficult to navigate.

It is essential that people know there are identity-affirming resources in our community. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

And for professionals and providers, these wonderful resources in our community are available for you to make referrals for your clients.

Find LGBTQ+ and Secular Grief resources here: https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/identity-affirming-resources/

Identity Affirming Final Arrangements Planning

There are so many heartbreaking stories of how people of diverse identities experience the funeral industry. DEI Fluent and affirming professionals can help you plan so that your identity-related wishes can be known and honored and your loved ones will not face family rifts and battles over final arrangements.

Matthew Rosenthal, Esq. of Rosenthal Meyer, PLLC provides comprehensive advanced estate planning that solves many of the issues that arise after a death occurs. I (Tee Rogers) am a funeral and cemetery planning advisor with Dignity Memorial. Together, Attorney Rosenthal and I created the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives^© workbook and we both serve in our Central Florida community by providing identity-affirming planning services.

Follow-up and Further Information

If you would like further information on any of these resources or on funeral & cemetery pre-planning or celebrant services, contact Tee Rogers at tee.rogers@outlook.com or 407-608-9242.

For information on identity-affirming estate planning and legal guidance or questions, contact Matthew Rosenthal, Esq. at mrosenthal@rosenthalmeyer.com or 407-504-9725 or visit rosenthalmeyer.com.

June 8, 2022June 8, 2022