Atheists have funerals.

Some Diverse Secular Identities and Terms (click for larger image)

I was chatting in a group and someone interrupted to say hello. He’d recognized me as the officiant at a recent non-religious funeral. The conversation shifted abruptly. Someone in the group said they didn’t know that Atheists would even have funerals: “Why would they?”

I’ve had people tell me they didn’t understand marriage in the context of Atheism. Or secular baby welcoming / baby naming rituals that may take the place of baptisms. And yes, some think that one who doesn’t share their faith wouldn’t experience funerals, celebrations of life, or memorials in a meaningful way. Through a narrow lens, those moments may be steeped in the traditions of a specific faith.

Ritual is something ubiquitously human. It’s a significant experience across diverse perspectives. All feel love for others and grieve losses, support friends and family in their grief, and may find meaning in gathering together to say goodbye and honor someone lost. Yes, Atheists have funerals.

Beautiful moments of connection, like the private conversation that followed “Why would they?”, can build mini-bridges. But they’re also a broader reminder that barriers to diverse exposure (like limiting educational conversations about diversity) can create chasms between us and add to heavy, lonely burdens that people around us are carrying.

Mini bridges help, but larger bridges are needed.

A systemic bias in deathcare

The deathcare industry is, like many other service-focused industries, imbued with faith-bias. That means that people of secular and religious minority identities who are experiencing grief may also face, or fear facing, discrimination, identity washing, othering, silencing, harassment, faith bullying, being outed/coming out, and other challenges – at one of their most vulnerable moments.

It often comes as a surprise, even to those who face these Sisyphean challenges every day. Deathcare is a subject many people avoid in general. And further, very few consider in advance how LGBTQIA+ or secular or religious minority identity might impact them or their family when a death occurs. Far fewer make a plan, identify affirming providers and professionals in advance, and provide practical and legal tools that make things easier for loved ones.

There’s enough drama & trauma for families at such a difficult time. No one wants to be preyed on in a time of grief and no one should be forced to pray, pretend to pray, or defer to someone else’s g/God(s) at a time of grief and loss. Every person of every religious, secular, and spiritual identity – and LGBTQIA+ identity – deserves to be authentically honored in their deathcare.

Planning ahead is self-care.

You can plan for inclusive services by providing direction in your planning documents about, for example, using a certified Humanist Celebrant and how to locate one (links are below). This is important because the funeral home professional you’re working with may not be aware – or willing to acknowledge – that this resource exists. Remember that a Humanist Celebrant or Chaplain may be able to help you through the entire process, potentially even joining your meetings with the funeral home and cemetery if you invite them to.

If you’re intentional, open, and determined you can find inclusive providers who won’t try to “save” you on your deathbed or “bless” your body without consent. You can vet funeral providers (funeral homes, funeral directors, cemeteries, etc. – even hospices or hospitals) to ensure your perspective is welcomed and you and your family will be treated with respect when it matters most. You’re going to put your trust in someone – by planning ahead you have greater control over who that will be.

Vetting companies & professionals can be as simple as glancing over their website and social media shares, and/or disclosing your identity to them. Listen to the messages they promote or how they respond to you. How does what they say make you feel? Trust your gut. If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s not your shoe.

And know that there are advocates and allies willing to help. You are not alone. If you have questions about inclusive deathcare, whether for a current experience or for planning ahead, i’m a call or text away at 407-608-9242.

RESOURCES

Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives – a free download fill-in-the-blank style guide and mental health and other resources for those in the LGBTQIA+ and minority RSSI (Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identity) communities.
The Humanist Society – contact certified Humanist Celebrants, Chaplains, Lay Leaders, and Invocators.
National Consortium for Inclusion in Deathcare – This is a Big Bridge under construction – an emerging group of inclusion-focused deathcare professionals and researchers working to establish support for one another and resources for everyone. Contact 407-608-9242 to get connected.
More information & resources for Humanist and non-religious end-of-life ceremonies: https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/memorials-life-celebrations/

https://humanistcelebrantorlando.com/memorials-life-celebrations/

May 2, 2023May 2, 2023

Humanist Celebrants and End-Of-Life Services

You’ve lost someone you love. And they, and/or your family, are not religious. From ceremony composition and officiation to diverse identity advocacy and safe-space support, please know that secular support and resources are available for you.

A Humanist Funeral honors someone’s life and memory in a way that reflects their Humanist values and beliefs. The focus is often on celebrating the life of the person who has passed away, rather than mourning their loss; however, if a more traditional, somber memorial is preferred by the family, this can be a Humanist service also.

The ceremony is usually conducted by a humanist Celebrant who works closely with you to create a personalized ceremony that reflects your loved one’s beliefs, values, and wishes.

The ceremony may include readings, poetry, music, and personal stories or anecdotes about the deceased. The officiant may also offer reflections on the meaning and purpose of life, the importance of love and human connection, and the enduring legacy of the deceased.

In a Humanist Funeral, there is no religious or supernatural content delivered by the Celebrant, such as prayers or references to an afterlife. Instead, the focus is on the here and now, and on the lasting impact that the deceased has had on the lives of those who knew and loved them. The Humanist Celebrant is ethically restricted from using religious language; if some religious content is desired, they will help incorporate it through readings and reflections delivered by family or friends.

Overall, a Humanist Funeral is a meaningful and respectful way to honor the memory of a loved one and to celebrate their life in a way that reflects their humanist values and beliefs.

Why are funerals Important?

Important for all Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identities (RSSI), a funeral is a ceremony or service to honor and pay respect to a person who has died. It’s for family and friends to join together to mourn their loss, offer condolences, and celebrate the life of the deceased.

Funerals are important in the grieving process for many people, providing a safe, meaningful space for loved ones to share memories, offer support, and begin to come to terms with their loss – a point of closure. This ceremony can also be an opportunity to reflect on the meaning and purpose of life and to find comfort and solace in the company of others who are going through a similar experience.

Where is a Humanist Funeral Held?

Many of these services happen at the funeral home if there is a congregational venue available there. A funeral home is a wonderful choice for an end-of-life ceremony. Their staff is trained to support grieving families and their facilities are set up for these services; this is what they do. They will take the planning burden off of the family and ensure that things run smoothly.

Some may choose to have only a graveside service or committal, and the entire service happens at the cemetery or place of scattering.

If you want a more traditional, though inclusive and secular, funeral setting, Unitarian Universalist churches are often Humanist-affirming and their congregational center may be a wonderful option.

The service, however, can be done anywhere you would like (with restrictions if the body will be present), such as a home, garden, or restaurant.

What is in the script of a Humanist Funeral?

This can vary widely based on personal preference – there are no required parts or required order of things. In general, the service will include:

Opening remarks, Humanist Invocation, welcome
Reading of the eulogy
Music may be incorporated before, during, or following the ceremony
Guests sharing memories or tributes
Readings or poetry (usually one or two selections)
Closing words of inspiration and support

What is Humanist Advocacy in Deathcare?

Healthcare and Deathcare providers, and some individual professionals, can be faith-biased. This means they have a religious agenda, usually Christian-centric, that is ubiquitously imposed on those they care for even though it may not serve all of the individuals and families that come into their care. In a diverse, pluralistic culture where we have freedom of (and FROM) religion, no one should be forced to pray to or defer to someone else’s G/god(s) at a time of grief. For some minority religious and secular individuals, conversations requesting someone to honor their identity can be anxiety-causing and triggers for other trauma.

A Humanist Celebrant, if willing and qualified, can serve as your advocate, providing non-religious support to you and your family as well as assisting with inclusion-focused conversations with hospital chaplains, hospital and hospice staff, and funeral home staff. Having a Humanist Celebrant with you at the arrangement conference or at other important moments, in person or by phone, can alleviate some of the anxiety about discrimination, faith-bullying, and other very real challenges.

What services can a Humanist Celebrant provide?

A Humanist Celebrant, if certified and ordained through The Humanist Society, is legally recognized as clergy in the United States, being accorded the same rights and privileges granted by law to priests, ministers, and rabbis of traditional theistic religions.

Humanist Celebrants often serve as advocates for the non-religious as well as other marginalized identities. Minority faiths (such as Wiccan) or LGBTQIA+ individuals may engage a Humanist Celebrant for some or all of these services.

End-of-life services may include:

The Celebrant may visit the hospice or hospital to provide Humanist support to the dying and their family, as many secular families are frustrated by – even traumatized by – religious predators, at this difficult time, in the faith-biased healthcare industry;
The Celebrant can assist with finding an affirming funeral home provider (that will be affirming of a diverse identity such as Humanist, Atheist, minority religion, or LGBTQIA+);
The Celebrant may provide Humanist support or presence in communicating with funeral home, cemetery, and other professionals, as secular families may be discriminated against, harassed, Preyed upon, identity washed, and other challenges faced in the faith-biased funeral industry;
The Celebrant may attend a religious service or ceremony, and deliver a Humanist invocation or reading only, to honor the deceased or to be inclusive of those attending the service who are of diverse perspectives and/or non-religious identities;
The Celebrant can compose a custom ceremony, working with the family to select wording, readings, and invocations;
The Celebrant may be asked to write the obituary and/or the eulogy (sometimes a family member chooses to write this part or to closely collaborate with the Celebrant);
The Celebrant may serve as the officiant for the funeral service;
The eulogy – story of life and tribute to the deceased – is delivered as part of the service. This can be read by the Celebrant, or a family member may elect to do this. The Celebrant stands by to offer support.
The Celebrant may be asked to attend, and sometimes deliver a Humanist invocation or reading, at the visitation or viewing, graveside service or committal ceremony, or other ceremony such as a scattering or tree planting.
The Celebrant may be asked to attend or make a visit to the reception or repast.

Sample Humanist Readings and other resources can be found here:

Humanist Readings for Funerals

How is a Humanist Celebrant Paid?

The Celebrant usually charges an honorarium for end-of-life services. This style of ceremony and service fee is a “suggested amount”. Some families add gratuity and travel or extra time compensation to the fee, others pay less if they are unable to afford the ceremony fee. No one should be left without clergy representation and support, and Humanist advocacy where needed, at such a difficult time in their life.

Finding Affirming Providers

The best way to ensure that you have selected a funeral home and other professional services that are knowledgeable about and affirming of your identity is to pre-plan. Planning ahead, before there is a crisis, gives you a lower-stress opportunity to interview and research providers. Your Humanist Celebrant can guide and assist you with that process as well.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando’s owner, Tee Rogers, is also a pre-planning advisor in the funeral industry. She would be glad to answer any questions you have about pre-planning.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando Tee Rogers Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives

You can use tools such as the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives to reflect on your identity-related end-of-life wishes and provide loved ones and professionals the guidance and tools to honor those wishes.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando, funeral service reviews

Review Funeral 2023 Humanist Celebrant Orlando Tee Rogers

September 12, 2022September 12, 2022

Humanist Celebrants Officiate Unique Ceremonies

Wedding planning is joyful – but already stressful without worrying about identity discrimination. Most officiants are inclusive, and if unable to perform your ceremony they can provide referrals to someone who can help.

However, some couples have less friendly experiences. I hear from clients who have approached wedding officiants and been turned away – some have been hung up on, called names, or had officiants try to “save” them when they requested a secular or other non-traditional ceremony.

Whether an LGBTQIA+ wedding ceremony, a custom-written Wiccan ceremony, an Atheist ceremony, a Dueling Officiants Ceremony (one religious, one not…), a “sign & go” couple-only wedding at a Starbucks, or any other meaningful way to honor the unique journey of a couple…a Humanist Celebrant can help.

Did you know … there’s a whole network of ordained Humanist Celebrants right here in Central Florida – a hidden gem of resources at your fingertips.

What to ask your Officiant regarding your identity

Interview your officiant – make sure they’re right for the job. First and foremost, be direct. You want an officiant who is comfortable with your request and who can provide helpful, meaningful suggestions for creating the ceremony of your dreams. Say exactly what you need so that you can make sure the officiant is the right fit for you. There are lots of officiants out there – remember the saying, “if the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s not your shoe.”.

Here are a few great questions i’ve gotten from couples:

“We are a Wiccan couple and will be having our ceremony in the forest at night. What are some ways we can honor our Wiccan tradition in our ceremony?”

“I am Baptist and my family is also. My partner and her family are Atheists. What are some things we can do in the ceremony that bridge both families and honor everyone?”

“My fiance is a transitioning man who uses they/them pronouns. We want to make sure you can honor that.”

“We were married as Catholics 10 years ago, but want to do a vow renewal because we are both Atheists now and want a wedding that reflects our values. Can you help us?”

“We are a bdsm couple and will be having a themed ceremony. Are you comfortable with this?”

In our hearts we’ve been married for years – we just want to do the paperwork. Can we just do that without any ceremony?

“We know you’re non-religious, but we want to have some religious readings in our ceremony. How do you accommodate that?”

More than Ceremonies

Humanist Celebrants can legally perform weddings as well as preside over other ceremonies such as celebrations of life/memorials, coming-of-age, butterfly ceremonies (transgender re-naming ceremonies), and baby welcomings (alternative to religious baptism).

Humanist Celebrants are the clergy of the non-religious, having the same rights as theistic clergy, allowing them to legally perform weddings under the jurisdiction of the law within their state, provide secular spiritual care, and are subject to “clergy” confidentiality.

Humanist Celebrants and Chaplains can also provide Humanist (secular) visits to those in hospitals, hospices, and prisons. The chaplains/clergy in those facilities may be inter- or non-denominational, but may still use religious language or not have an understanding of non-religious identities (or minority identities, such as Wiccan, Humanistic Judaism, Cultural Catholicism, etc.).

Have you seen the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives? It’s free to download and offers a reflection on how our identities inform our deathcare wishes.
Learn more: http://IADDresource.org

What is a Humanist Celebrant?

From The Humanist Society: “Humanist Celebrants provide meaningful, distinctly personal, and professional humanist ceremonies for a wide range of life’s major events and milestones. A celebrant can help commemorate the welcoming of a child, coming-of-age, gender transitions, commitment unions, weddings, memorials, and so much more! Our celebrants are committed to humanism and not bound by a traditional religion and its dogma, therefore they are able to provide custom-made ceremonies imbued with personal meaning and honor the shared humanity and values of those involved.”

Want more info? Let’s connect.

Humanist Celebrant Orlando - Lake Eola Wedding

August 29, 2022August 31, 2022

Obituaries: what, when, and how.

What is an Obituary?

The word obituary comes from the Latin obitus, going in the direction of ruin or death; sunset.

Whether a simple announcement of a death or a lengthy tribute, an obituary is a public posting by a family that a death has occurred, a public record of the person’s life and legacy, and/or an announcement of the final arrangements and services for those who may wish to attend.

Most are published online these days so family and friends everywhere can access the tribute. Some are still also published in newspapers; however, these tend to be shorter and more factual. Online tributes can include multiple photos, a more in-depth colloquy of a life lived, and comments, thoughts, and photos posted by friends and families. Some obituary sites are perpetual, others only post the listing for a finite increment of time, such as 90 days, to save server space.

The obituary may be used in various ways:

as the public announcement of a death
as the eulogy at a service (though eulogies may be more detailed than obituary)
printed in programs that are given at the service
framed or otherwise memorialized as a keepsake for the family
posted on or linked in family genealogy sites
included in a family genealogy album

Should you write your own?

Yes, you should. In my work as a planning advisor in the funeral industry, i’ve seen how difficult it is for families to write the obituary for a loved one they have just lost. Arduous and heart-wrenching, the composition of the obituary can even cause discord among loved ones – what goes in, what doesn’t, how things are worded, which photo to use, etc. When you’re pre-planning to protect your family, every burden you can take off their shoulders is a gift.

As a celebrant, i may write eulogies and obituaries or help families with that process. As a funeral & cemetery planning advisor, i encourage my clients to write out bullet points or a draft of their obituary and keep it updated. And if you don’t want an obit at all (and some don’t), make sure your family knows that.

I recently worked with someone terminally ill who wanted to write their own obituary so that their spouse wouldn’t have to do it. We went through multiple drafts, and it was very difficult, but it was so important to them to protect their spouse from having to go through that – and to make sure that certain parts of their life were highlighted. As we go through life, what is important to us changes; those around us at the time we pass may not recall or think to include aspects of our life that were extremely meaningful to us.

Obituary elements

An obituary can be difficult to think about – how do you capture an entire life in a few paragraphs? The obituary becomes the final public record of our lives.

An obituary is not required, and some who have few family members or who lived very private lives may not have one at all.

Most obituaries at a minimum contain the person’s name, age, date, and place of passing, city and state of residence (and home town, if different), and name of spouse/partner and children. They may list more relatives and are usually separated into “survived by” and “pre-deceased by” lists. They include memorial information such as the name of the funeral home and the date, time, and place for the viewing and service(s).

The formula is generally: decedent information (name, dates, and places of birth and death), family, personal information/life story, and information about the service.

Talk to others – no matter how well you knew your loved one, you will learn amazing new things about them by asking their friends and family members for their favorite stories and memories. Even if you are pre-writing your own – consider reaching out. What you learn about you may surprise you! Scroll down for more ways to personalize an obituary or eulogy.

Example: Sam Smith passed away on April 10th, 2022, after a long battle with cancer, surrounded by loved ones at home. Sam was active in volunteering for the Breast Cancer Society throughout their illness, leading fundraising initiatives and teams for awareness walks. Before cancer became a focus, Sam had been an avid volunteer with the local animal shelter. They are survived by two Great Danes (Bobby and Doggo) and a large “framily” (friend family). Sam was pre-deceased by spouse Jordan, parents Drew and Jesse Smith, and multiple rescue animals nurtured and loved through hospice care. A celebration of life sunrise service will be held Friday, July 3, at 6:30 a.m. at Riverside Park, followed by breakfast and a memorial tree planting. Donations to the Breast Cancer Society or to Pat’s Animal Rescue in Sam’s honor are appreciated.

Request an Obituary or other celebrant service

Making it Personal

Here are some things to reflect on as you write an obituary or eulogy:

What was their preferred name and pronouns? Are there any nicknames, monikers, “go-by’s” that they would want to be included?
The dates that bracket “the dash” – the birth date and death date. City & state (and/or country) of birth and death.
Where did they consider “home” to be? Where else did they live that was a significant part of their life?
Include the cause of death? For example, “after a 10-year battle with cancer…” can tie into requests at the end for donations to cancer research.
Origins – culture and heritage
Parents’ names and places of birth.
Living family members (siblings, children, grandchildren, grandparents, friends, pets, etc.)
Deceased family members (siblings, children, grandchildren, grandparents, friends, pets, etc.)
Marriage(s) – date(s) of marriage(s) and spouse name(s).
Love story – how they met, where they married, significant moments in their marriage
Military service – branch, years, rank, wars served in, memberships such as VFW, and other important information.
Education – high school, college or tech school, field of study
Awards, honors, and recognitions
Character & quirks
What did they enjoy? Hobbies, passions, sports, activities, etc.
Profession / Occupation – job title, career, stories, accomplishments, other jobs held in life. Why did they go into this occupation or why was it important to them?
The “other job” – How did they invest their personal time? Whether volunteer work, helping neighbors, or a hobby that was like a piece of their soul -what were their vocations in addition to their paid profession?
Community involvement and memberships – Were they involved in any charitable organizations? congregational membership in religious, secular, or spiritual organizations? political, fraternal, or other affiliations?
What made your loved one unique? What did people always notice about them?
What would they feel is their greatest legacy? were they most proud of (accomplishments, the difference they made in the world)
Their quote: what is something they always said? or something they would want their loved ones to know? What is one thing they hope others learned from the story of their life?
Did they have a personal mission statement, dearly held values, or other ethical/internal guideposts?
Three words that sum up your loved one’s life.
Their favorite quote or short poem

Obituary FAQ

Q: What about Identity Theft? I’ve heard that you should never post an obituary because predators use them for stealing information.

A: It is true (and very sad) that the theft of deceased identities is quite common. However, much of the information you provide in the obituary is available by other means. You may want to be careful what you include, such as avoiding exact dates of birth and death, mother’s maiden name, etc. You should definitely have information security in mind as you write an obituary.

Your funeral director will have filed with Social Security and given you a list of things you need to do after your loss; getting those things done reduces the risk to your family, as does having an Estate Planning Attorney to guide you. There are also identity theft services that guard deceased identities.

Q: When should the Obituary be published?

A: This is usually done very quickly, as it often contains information about a service that may be coming up very soon. Some will post a death notice first so that the factual information is there (name, date of death, service information), giving themselves a few days to compose, or hire a writer to compose, the full obituary.

Q: I have to write an obituary for my son, who was gay and involved in political activism. These were both VERY important in his life, but some of our family do not approve and I don’t want to cause any fights.

A. oof. That’s a challenge i see often for families of LGBTQIA+ individuals and minority Religious, Secular, or Spiritual Identities (RSSI). We want to authentically honor the life of our loved one without tearing the family apart. Only you can make the decision. Someone who was actively involved & making their voice heard for a cause may want the message they amplified present in their life story.

Whether as simple as honoring preferred pronouns, as subtle as leaving out religious references, or as loud and explosive as celebrating their accomplishments as an activist, this can be a difficult decision to make. If they had written it, what would they have done?

There’s a free workbook called the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives intended to assist us in reflecting on how our own LGBTQ+ or RSSI identity will inform our near-death care and deathcare, but it may help you in reflecting on your loved one’s identity as well.

Q. Can i write an obituary for my pet?

A. Absolutely. Just as there are cemeteries dedicated to pets, there are websites dedicated to pet obituaries such as Heaven’s Pets and Pet Heaven. Sadly, most use “heaven” or some other faith-biased reference.. Your pet crematory may also have a memorial page. Some will include the pet obituary as part of their blog, on a family genealogy site, or in a personal scrapbook of obituaries.

Writing or reading an obituary about someone or something you love who/that has been lost can be a healing exercise, helping you reflect on the value they brought to your life and the difference their life made in the world.

Q. What’s the best format to list family members?

A. They are listed by closest relation first: spouse (current first if listing multiple spouses), children (oldest to youngest), grandchildren, great-grandchildren, parents, and siblings. You list the name of the relative with their spouse’s name in parentheses. For example, Sam is survived by their spouse Hao Smith, children Kit (Lex) Smith-Livingood and Tommie Smith, and two Great Danes, Bobby and Doggo. Sam is predeceased by parents Drew and Jesse Smith and infant child Ollie.

Q. Is humor in an obituary appropriate?

A. Obituaries and eulogies should reflect and honor the person, but also be respectful of those reading or receiving the words. Some may not want the final story of their life to be dour. I read one that began… “Pete was a jokester who kept us all in high spirits…” and the obituary contained multiple jokes and puns, tastefully presented.

Category: Funerals